Women and the Awakening Process
Two years ago, as I approached my 38th birthday, I began to realise I was changing. Something in me was shifting big time, and I was no longer looking at the world with the same pair of eyes.
I no longer wanted to surround myself with certain types of people…people who thrived on drama, gossip and negativity.
I no longer wanted to say yes to going to family events, just to appease other people.
I no longer wanted to mentally exhaust myself trying to fix other people’s problems, only to realise, they never took my advice in the first place!
I started to hate socialising in big groups and my body even started to reject alcohol altogether (my lips would literally start to blister from just a mere sip!)
As I was discussing this with my little sister one sunny afternoon at the park, she hit the nail on the head, when she turned around and said, “Bec you are going through a midlife crisis!”
Now, (as human beings) we seem to associate a midlife crisis with being old…surely, it’s all downhill from here?
Right?
Wrong!
What I began to notice as I walked this journey myself, and as a Relationship Therapist (seeing a huge wave of women enter the therapy room going through the same process)…
Is that when a woman hits this stage in her life, she is actually entering a huge awakening process, where her real and authentic life is only just beginning!
As we move through the decades, we will change as people, and 40’s seem to be the decade for women, where they start to value and respect themselves more.
She starts to assert strong boundaries and use her voice!
As the kids grow up and she has more time to herself to think, and to re-evaluate her life, she begins to realise that she has been so heavily conditioned to put other people’s needs before her own, and if she breaks away from this, then she is often seen as selfish or difficult.
However, over 70% of break ups in today’s generation are initiated by women.
Why?
Well…as a society, we don’t see 40’s, 50’s, 60’s as old anymore, and when a female is entering this process of awakening, she is emotionally growing and evolving on every single level.
The problems start to arise in a relationship, when her partner isn’t on the same journey, and she emotionally matures and starts to outgrow him/her.
We all have childhood trauma/childhood wounds that we bring into our romantic relationships, and no one is exempt from this!
If you have one partner who lives their existence refusing to ever acknowledge this or look in the mirror to recognise their own destructive patterns (that they often project onto other people), then the relationship cannot grow or evolve as it moves through the decades. Leading one or both partners to feel stuck.
When we live in a world now, where there isn’t so much shame or judgement attached to separation and divorce, sometimes she has no other option but to break away from something that starts to feel very unfulfilling to her.
A relationship can often stand the length of time, when both partners are willing to do whatever it takes, to self-reflect, and take full accountability for their own behaviour, rather than looking to blame the other person.
“Your partners defenses will lower when you take accountability for what you are bringing to the table rather that placing blame on another”
Relationships are rapidly changing, and no one ever teaches you in childhood how to have healthy communication, and how to see things from a completely different perspective.
Sometimes, if all we witnessed in childhood was our parents arguing, or shutting down/ withdrawing, then we just have a model of what didn’t work!
It’s not a weakness to say you need help navigating your relationship – in fact, in most cases, (from what I witness) it’s absolutely essential!
Rebecca’s top tips for creating healthy boundaries in your relationship…
When having a discussion with your partner,
- Never bring up the past!
- Always bring your partner back to the topic in hand.
- Remember – There is no right or wrong!
- As human beings, we have all had different upbringings, and different life experiences.
- We all have different conditioning and programming past down to us from previous generations and therefore, we all see the world with a different pair of eyes.
- Always meet your partner with empathy rather than judgement. Just because they don’t see the situation the same way you do, doesn’t mean your way is the right way.
- It’s all about seeing the situation from each other’s perspective and then finding a middle ground.
- Lastly, we will subconsciously look to recreate our childhood environment in our romantic relationships.
- As human beings, we will always go towards what feels familiar, even if that’s toxic or abusive.
- We can only learn to change this subconscious programming when we gain strong self-awareness and deconstruct our own patterns of behaviour, rather than looking to blame or change our partner!
- Therapy is a great place to help you start with this journey.
Becky, Counsellor
Relate Bradford & Leeds
Please head to https://www.relate.org.uk and have a look at some great resources.
